Day 24: I am not an editor

When writing a paper in high school or college, they always tell you to go back over it and check for grammar mistakes, miss-spellings, and other things that just do not "flow."  In this modern age, spell check has made us lazy. Well, most of us anyway. I have never been one to "edit" my work. Aside from my books and novels, I rarely will edit anything. Since I have been blogging more, I do make a half-hearted effort to go back over and speed glance over my post before hitting publish. This is a vain attempt to find anything that may look like it is miss-spelled. I will say that my phone, from which I do most of my blogging from, does not have a spell check feature. Sometimes when I re-blog my own work between blogging sites, I see how horrible and stupid I must look. Those squiggly little red lines are every where. It makes me believe that is why this particular post did not get much attention on the other site or vice versa.

Were it not for the lovely folks that created Word or similar programs, I believe the half hearted effort I put into editing would probably be a little more sincere. Maybe....  Even in high school, I was not one for going back over my papers. I made C's and B's and once entering college, I could fork out a good B+ paper in a matter of minutes. (Speaking of which, I have one I need to be working on. See, even as a student, writers procrastinate the important stuff. Ugh....such it is that we are. But I digress.) I am certain if I honed my editing skills, I could be a straight A student and my stuff will likely flow a little better.

But computers have made me lazy. This is why I write my novels by hand first, then into my word doc and then I "edit" for pure sake of editing. I feel that editing is like hearing your own voice on a recording. For most people, it is uncomfortable to hear yourself talk from anothers perspective. I hate the sound of my own voice. I will put a vacation message on my phone and people can believe I am on vacation for years simply because I refuse to change it. My own voice coming from the speaker of my phone. Ick.

What do YOU think?

Day 10: I Wish the Rumbling Would Stop

Stop....(echoes)...stop......stop....stop....https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E2DNT5bsrnY

(You only need to go to 2:52 to get the point here. However, a true Floyd fan will watch the whole dang thing. Ya, I did, even when I went to copy the hyperlink I watched it. There you go, digression right off the bat. Haha. Beat THAT!)

I feel like that. A LOT. Lately. I don't know where it is coming from. Just....STOP. I know part of it is that I am tired of feeling fat. I know I could do more to fix things but that means I would have to NOT be lazy and I am not sure if I feel up to that just yet. Heck, I just got back in touch with my own self and am getting used to cleaning every day again. One thing that I am proud of is that I am not taking 5 days to get laundry done anymore. Baby steps. I now am at the point where I have to force myself to clean something every day. That is not always an easy feat. I just become overwhelmed and say "fluck it." I hate being this tired of life.

The above is not what I am talking about here. I admitted before that I am a flavor hog. However, I have grown past that and now I just eat for the sake of eating. I eat because my body needs it. I just wish there was a way I could drastically cut back and not feel like crapola or hungry all the time. Maybe I should just accept my fate and go with it but I am certain I would lose the love of my life if I were to let go and get any bigger than I already am. So it places me at a crossroads. To top it off, when life gets me down, the only thing that helps is eating because I don't talk it out like the rest of the world does. Drinking only makes me feel worse and I am not a personality type to turn to drugs. What does that leave? A plate.

I hate it. Hating it drives me insane! That and the roller coaster of emotions that come with it. Some days it gets better and I look in the mirror and almost like what I see. I feel ok. I just wish it would last longer.

What do YOU think?

Day 6: Self loathing

I have always had issues with self. I have cone to realize that I checked out of the self love department many, many years ago. I understood this today. I don’t know what caused this light bulb moment. I think it was the culmination of many things. Not sure where to start but here goes.

My self image has always been skewed. I imagine this is the same flaw that anorexics an bulimics posses. I say this because when I see people who are the same clothing size as me, I do not see this huge person that my reflection shows. I am sure that when I look at my own reflection, I see this fat person who is a whole lot bigger than what she really is. This disgusts me and makes me feel bad. Psychologists will likely tell me its a good thing I recognize that. Not beeing happy with the vessel which encompasses your soul causes a lot of inner conflict. For me is creates self hate and that is destructive. This where I have been for almost since I can remember. Before being fat bacame an issue it was some other thing. Why did I have nappy curly hair when all my friends had shiny straight hair or why was I a red head? No one else was. When I got into my teen years that damned whit stripe that appeared in my hair (off center like a cockeyed skunk) every summer and I had a pooch for my lower abs and not a flat stomach like everyone else. I hated it. I hated me. This has been a lifetime of self hate.

Fast forward to late teens ane early 20’s. I had very few boyfriends and the ones I did have were not nice to me. Called me ugly and would pick on me in front of the circle of friends I thought I had. This is where people don’t believe the bubble I lived in. Not much happened. I just existed and not much more. My first real “party” was not until I was 21 and it was the first birthday party of Cals that I went to. To this day, I have picture of us at that party on my desk. I was almost human. I have been in and out of serious hate with myself over the course of my whole life.

Tyler Perry’s Madea says “Honey how in the hell can you love someone else if you cannot love yourself.” Today, I finally understand that sentiment. It took a couple days of self loathing, too many beers and nearly a year of wandering in the dark to come to that conclusion. Know what else attributed to this life changing moment? It took the intentional trespass of someone whom I thought to be a friend to trample all over my feelings, heart, and soul. She took my very being and slammed it on rusty spikes of betrayal and then walked on it like it was an afterthoughtm she took pure bitch and rubbed my face in it then walked away laughing. What she did was unspeakable and hurt me beyond anything I can put into words. For that, unnamed woman, (you know who you are queen sandwich maker
There is your digression peeps.) I want to thank you. I forgive you for what you did. I forgive the threat, for what you still are. (Two meanings there.) And I forgive you for what you are. Also, I have a great fondness and love for you. I wish the best for you and yours. For you are a sister in kind and the divinity of the Mother Goddess is in you as it is in all of us. Prosper sister. I will take what you have shown me and learn from it ad return it to you tenfold.

As a result of this thing that was done, I fully understand that I will find peace only when I truly love me. I have started down the path to healing from the harm that was done to me as well as the years of being spiritually checked out. I know I have a long way to go and it wont be easy but I do know who will ride or die with me.

I know who is with me and who is not. I know my ride or die family and if some November Rain washes it away, I know I will be ok because I have discovered that I can get back up, pick up the pieces, and continue on. Also know that the bond I have with my Cal cannot be broken. His is my rock and nothing can break that. Any thing that comes along and tries is only temporary and external.

I am going to love me. I am going to fix what has been broken and move on. Watch out world. Its ALL about to change. I am strong and beautiful. I am phenomenal. I SHINE.

Whaylt do YOU think?

The Scale Lied to Me

I found a scale in the ladies locker room at the rec center and have used it from time to time. Back story to this one is simple. My mother ALWAYS (and still does) had a scale in the house and it was a source of resentment for me because I have never been comfortable in my own skin. However, I will randomly check my weight when I visit mom or they have ones to sample at the store. In this case, it was the one at the recreation center. Now I have had "conversations" with this one because I think the calibration is off. It sticks and if you push it a few times it will stop that. However, I think it lies when it does work properly. This is one of the scales they use at the doctors office. You know, with the sliding weights on the 2 bars.

Ever since our youngest was born, I have hovered around 200. I am miserable with that. We also decided no more kiddos after that last one and I was concerned I would end up like my mother and her sisters if I did make that decision and so far, I have been right.

However, I did try to remedy that and try different things over the past seven or eight years to get below that 200. 8 months as a vegetarian and no change, Sticking with an exercise regimen at least six months with no results on at least three occasions! 1000 calorie diet for 2 months and got nowhere but starving. Counting calories, watching what I eat, Less bread, less sugar, less fat, less processed foods. Removing soda from my diet. More water. All the while, I am creeping up the scale.

Last night that damn scale told me 211.

I think it lied to me because of the fact that it is possibly not calibrated. However, it still makes me feel like shit. I am now seriously considering surgery to fix this behemoth stomach I have because that is the area that I have the most issue with. I also note that the "bigger" I get, the worse I feel. I just want to give up. I am certain that if I do, it will get worse. I have also considered having my thyroid checked and other things because there are family members I have with that issue. I am just scared to death they will find something that will cause me to be on medication that I cannot afford for the rest of my life. You know me, I HATE taking meds. Its like pulling teeth to take an aspirin for a headache.

I don't normally blog about these things but I am looking for some feedback that is outside of my family to see what other options there are to consider. There are things that I am still set against. I don't want to do banding because there are things that I will have to cut out completely that I still would like to enjoy from time to time. Starving myself wont work either and I don't have the time to workout 3 hours a day every single day for the next year.

Be realistic please. I want honest feedback.

What do YOU think?