That is a life changer

Someone said something to me that was not very nice. About a month ago, someone who must not like life bumped into me and called me a fat bitch. I'm not sure why this struck a cord with me but, it enabled me to try and learn to love myself more ad well as make a life change.

I didn't want this to be a fad for me or somerhing I focused on for just a few days. It has been about a month and I think the next month is going to be easier. I decided I no longer wanted to be this way. I started out by doing simple desk exercises.  I spend a great deal of time at work and my job is such that I can do these exercises while working. If there ever was a day that I missed, my body let me know because I felt bad when I clocked out. I made a conscious effort to do something everyday. As time went on, I started making an effort to be more active outside of work as well as counting calories and watching what I eat.

My work is also helping me. We actually have a wellness program. The lady who runs it is great. She celebrates transformations and hold virtual exercise classes throughout the day. While I do not participate in the classes or provide much feedback, the community she has created inspired me. To hold myself accountable and seeking support outside of my home, I told her and the wellness community what my goals were. The response was very supportive and inspiring. It helps me keep chugging along. I need oodles of push and support or I will fail at this. I don't want to fail.

Something new for me is that I downloaded an app to my phone. I am not a big fan of apps or programs where you log everything and are provided advise based on your goals, but, I really like this app right now.  I've only had it for two days. We will see what is going to happen. The plan is to keep these things in place for at least a month and see how it goes. I know I preach baby steps and doing things one at a time. I know I have made a bunch of small changes almost at once. Let's see if this will work better than anything I have ever tried before.

I have big goals and little goals. I will keep the big ones to myself. I will tell you that I am sleeping better and feeling better. I have a couple of things that are not as tight as they used to be. I like that. Hopefully more to follow. I am going to try and stay away from scales until the end of summer. In the past, the numbers on the scale were a focal point. It should not be. What needs to be the focus is feeling better, being more active, and living better. Then make it a habit. The theory is the rest will follow. To be honest, I just want to LOOK better. Weight does not matter at this point.

Anither thing unexpectedly happened. Number Eight has hopped on board. He watched me do one of my cardio workouts with weights one evening. The next day, he reminded me I needed to work out. Were it not for him, I would have missed that day. Now I seek his input on the workouts. It's fun for us both!

I do know that weighing less will be better for me but I am not focusing on that at this point.

At least not out loud.

What do YOU think?

Day 10: I Wish the Rumbling Would Stop

Stop....(echoes)...stop......stop....stop....https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E2DNT5bsrnY

(You only need to go to 2:52 to get the point here. However, a true Floyd fan will watch the whole dang thing. Ya, I did, even when I went to copy the hyperlink I watched it. There you go, digression right off the bat. Haha. Beat THAT!)

I feel like that. A LOT. Lately. I don't know where it is coming from. Just....STOP. I know part of it is that I am tired of feeling fat. I know I could do more to fix things but that means I would have to NOT be lazy and I am not sure if I feel up to that just yet. Heck, I just got back in touch with my own self and am getting used to cleaning every day again. One thing that I am proud of is that I am not taking 5 days to get laundry done anymore. Baby steps. I now am at the point where I have to force myself to clean something every day. That is not always an easy feat. I just become overwhelmed and say "fluck it." I hate being this tired of life.

The above is not what I am talking about here. I admitted before that I am a flavor hog. However, I have grown past that and now I just eat for the sake of eating. I eat because my body needs it. I just wish there was a way I could drastically cut back and not feel like crapola or hungry all the time. Maybe I should just accept my fate and go with it but I am certain I would lose the love of my life if I were to let go and get any bigger than I already am. So it places me at a crossroads. To top it off, when life gets me down, the only thing that helps is eating because I don't talk it out like the rest of the world does. Drinking only makes me feel worse and I am not a personality type to turn to drugs. What does that leave? A plate.

I hate it. Hating it drives me insane! That and the roller coaster of emotions that come with it. Some days it gets better and I look in the mirror and almost like what I see. I feel ok. I just wish it would last longer.

What do YOU think?

To breathe or not to breathe, that is the question.

I dont get it. How in the world to people of the large persuasion do it!  I am (on paper) considerably overweight.  While I do not look very large, I am a little thick.  I just don't understand how people who are like DAYUM! (Yea, according to the comedian Fluffy, big like that.) breathe, move, and even just stay healthy.

Here I am in a situation where I feel just as crappy as I did when I was smoking only five (yes 1/4 of a pack for you mathematicians) cigarettes a day.  When I breathe, it seems that my nose will randomly shut off for a moment and I have to sputter or skip a breath just to get back right.  I can hear myself breathe and it is embarassing to know that I can take a 99 cent muffin mix, mix it up, bake it in the bowl I mix it in and eat the ENTIRE THING!  That cannot be healthy.

I also have found that it is easier to plan to do something then to get up off my lazy rumpus and do it. BAD BAD Cheley.  Lets not get into that habit.  When I finally do get up to do something, I feel good about it and think to myself, well, I should do this more often because it makes me feel better.

However, I believe that the one thing that I need to do is to actually FORCE myself to eat right.  If I can do that, then that is the step in the right direction.  I do note that there are so many factors that make me just want to eat whatever makes me feel good at the moment.  There are drawbacks here to cuz, it may feel good when I eat it but boy do I sure feel like crapola when I am done. The guilt, the should haves, the regret. Ugh.

Don't get me wrong, I am not looking to get the fabulous body I had at 18 that I hated anyway.  I just want to get rid of about 60 pounds ideally.  Then I would be about a buck thirty and I would probably feel a whole lot better! Even if I could get 20 I think I would feel better.  I am so tired of waking in the middle of the night to turn over or to "wake up" an appendage that fell asleep.  Nobody is supposed to have tingly limbs all the damn time!  That happens when you are chillen on the couch while your leg is curled under you. NOT because you happen to be sitting there minding your own damn business.  Lets get real.  Being of the larger persuasion is no fun!

I am not knocking those that choose to live this way or have found themselves the victim of a doctor with a sense of humor. (You know those medications with steroids in them that blow you up like a ballon.)  No, if you so chose to be large and in charge, then that is your business and I am not forcing my opinion on you. I am talking about myself. I want to be comfortable in my own skin.  I was almost there about nine or ten years ago when number nine was a baby.

Not anymore and I want out of this place!  Yea, my soul has a lot more room to bounce around in this body because of the size pants I wear but I am miserable! 

I wrote this because I took a walk today and have decided that because my hours have been slated back due to the slow season, I may try to go back to walking to see if it will help me lose at least the first 20 that I am so desperately trying to shed.  I will be able to run with my boys more, and do more in general.

What do you think? Are you with me? Any suggestions?