#goalswillbereached The Monster Within

Coming from the depths of self hate spawned by a stranger.  The light at the end of the tunnel comes ever closer. Years have passed and you have never felt safe in this vessel. Sadly it takes the sharp tongue of interlopers to spin you into action. To outsiders it appears to be self harm..no..self torture. Since they only spare a passing glance, you are left spiraling on your own. Alone...in the dark. You search for the key. You fumble in the murky blackness searching for the door that does not want to be found. All the while inward detest changes you.

Inward it becomes a vicious, blood thirsty monster. Outward it is a silent killer. What do you do?

You walk one more mile. Ride that bike ten more minutes. Push up ten more times. That fat blitch is not going to get the best of you. Not anymorem you can laugh at her now. Besides...who is the fat blitch now?

**Thoughts from that fat girl you laughed at jogging up the street...the chubby girl you recorded at the gym...keep on eating your doughnuts camera holder. To that she says....fluck you honey. I still got mine. What do you have? Nothing but empty dreams.**

#goalswillbereached

What do YOU think?

Frozen Pizza, not so frozen taste.

I am not one to boast on products. But, when I find something that exceeds my expectations, I tend to brag about it. I have discovered a new love. Anyone who knows me is aware that if pizza were the last thing on the planet, I would die a fat, happy girl. We all also know I am a BzzAgent. (Did I tell you I was a BzzAgent? **insert sideways grin here**) As a BzzAgent, I am afforded the opportunity to try things at a deep discount or even for free! I just have to spread the word!

This is exactly what I am doing today. Today's product? Red Baron Brick Oven Pizza.

When I got my coupons for this, I was going to use them all at once. I am not the only pizza lover in my house so why not make the trial a family affair? To my dismay, it was nearly 2 weeks before my local stores even carried Brick Oven. Oh, they had Red Baron alright. Every stinkin Red Baron under the sun. Wal Mart even had a kids sandwich container with Snoopy fighting the Red Baron hanging on one of those random impulse buy hangers in between the frozen aisle doors. I just knew it was a conspiracy and that my stores were messing with me. The ONE time I left the house and stopped by the store on impulse, guess what was in the frozen foods aisle? RED BARON BRICK OVEN PIZZA!  Oh yes, I was pretty vocal about it.

Me: "NOW they decide to stock it!"
Numba 8: "What mom?"
Me: "Red Baron Brick Oven Pizza!"  **looks around and sees other shoppers looking at the interaction. "It is supposed to be good stuff lil man! Just like delivery!"
Numba 8: "Well, we should get some!"
Me: Lets run back to the house and get my coupons and we will try EVERY flavor!"

That is exactly what we did. We tried Brick Oven pizza that same day! Truth be told, it is nothing like any other frozen pizza! The crust was perfect and there was no over melty mess to clean up in the bottom of the oven! (It says to place it right on the oven rack. Usually that ends up with me cleaning the oven, but not this time.) It was not chewy or lacking in flavor either. I just know I am going to save so much money buying Red Baron Brick Oven Pizza instead of delivery the next time or even times after that I want Pizza.

Watch out delivery! You have some serious competition here!

What do YOU think?

That is a life changer

Someone said something to me that was not very nice. About a month ago, someone who must not like life bumped into me and called me a fat bitch. I'm not sure why this struck a cord with me but, it enabled me to try and learn to love myself more ad well as make a life change.

I didn't want this to be a fad for me or somerhing I focused on for just a few days. It has been about a month and I think the next month is going to be easier. I decided I no longer wanted to be this way. I started out by doing simple desk exercises.  I spend a great deal of time at work and my job is such that I can do these exercises while working. If there ever was a day that I missed, my body let me know because I felt bad when I clocked out. I made a conscious effort to do something everyday. As time went on, I started making an effort to be more active outside of work as well as counting calories and watching what I eat.

My work is also helping me. We actually have a wellness program. The lady who runs it is great. She celebrates transformations and hold virtual exercise classes throughout the day. While I do not participate in the classes or provide much feedback, the community she has created inspired me. To hold myself accountable and seeking support outside of my home, I told her and the wellness community what my goals were. The response was very supportive and inspiring. It helps me keep chugging along. I need oodles of push and support or I will fail at this. I don't want to fail.

Something new for me is that I downloaded an app to my phone. I am not a big fan of apps or programs where you log everything and are provided advise based on your goals, but, I really like this app right now.  I've only had it for two days. We will see what is going to happen. The plan is to keep these things in place for at least a month and see how it goes. I know I preach baby steps and doing things one at a time. I know I have made a bunch of small changes almost at once. Let's see if this will work better than anything I have ever tried before.

I have big goals and little goals. I will keep the big ones to myself. I will tell you that I am sleeping better and feeling better. I have a couple of things that are not as tight as they used to be. I like that. Hopefully more to follow. I am going to try and stay away from scales until the end of summer. In the past, the numbers on the scale were a focal point. It should not be. What needs to be the focus is feeling better, being more active, and living better. Then make it a habit. The theory is the rest will follow. To be honest, I just want to LOOK better. Weight does not matter at this point.

Anither thing unexpectedly happened. Number Eight has hopped on board. He watched me do one of my cardio workouts with weights one evening. The next day, he reminded me I needed to work out. Were it not for him, I would have missed that day. Now I seek his input on the workouts. It's fun for us both!

I do know that weighing less will be better for me but I am not focusing on that at this point.

At least not out loud.

What do YOU think?

Happy Juice

Once a month, our family will come together and do our big grocery shopping. This is where we get all of the things that will carry us through. Non perishables, cleaning supplies, stuff for the next few weeks, dog food. You know the one shopping trip every month that you spend hundreds of dollars and come home broke just to watch it dwindle to nothing all over again. Yea, that trip. I rather enjoy it. It is yet another time where there are no electronics and televisions and we have to interact with one another as families are supposed to do. (You would think I would be a big fan of the whole 'eat dinner at the table' movement but it is the moments like the grocery shopping that do not seem forced like watching each other shovel dinner into our pie holes. I prefer those moments over a forced moment any day. Besides, I have already asked everyone about their day long before dinner comes around. So there! Yea, I digressed, didn't I?)

Sometimes you see things in the grocery store that just make you go....OKAY!  I have seen Snookies dog snacks, Bordeaux Butt Paste, Boogies Wipes, Piddlers, and a whole host of other things that were just wrong to be named that. But this particular shopping trip, it was Cal who found something that was like YESSS!

He found Happy Juice! Let us disregard, for a moment, that it was in the alcoholic beverages section. (Don't judge, the soda and bottled water is in the same section so do not go there. No drunks in this family thank you very much. Besides, if you knew our kids, you would wonder WHY we don't have a full bar in our house anyway.) NEW THOUGHT! I will be right back, gotta check the lottery numbers.

............

Ok. Back. Typical ending to the lottery numbers. Crumpled up paper to add to the recycling pile. It never fails. Back to the Happy Juice. The off brand beer and coolers are across the back wall and the name brand beer is in a cooler on the side of the section. All of the soda, flavored water, wine, and bottled water are on the rows in the middle of the floor. As we rounded the end of the soda aisle to go to the bottled water in the next aisle, there was a woman standing there holding her buggy down. She was not interested in the goings on around her, she was just sort of standing there doing nothing. As we walked by her, she took a couple of steps and it looked like she was about to walk away. However, Cal stopped her. He walked by her  and about five steps later, he did an about face and said "Did I just see Happy Juice?"  He walked around the end of her buggy (she was about to turn into the soda aisle) and went to the corner and pulled a glass bottle off the top shelf. It was filled with something red and had a yellow top. Was a typical 24 oz glass bottle but it had an evil yellow smiley face on it. The woman actually had to stop walking because he had cut her off and she looked at him incredulously. "Look! It's Happy Juice!" he said and presented the bottle to her face. Her flabbergasted look turned into one of amusement as he walked back by her and she giggled as she walked into the soda aisle, forever forgotten (or so she thinks. It would be CRAZY if she read this! haha.) 

He brought the bottle to me and yup. It was there. "Happy Juice" Evil smiley face and it was an alcoholic beverage! Oh yea, if someone has a few of those they may certainly be happy, or happily fall down, or happily puke....whatever floats your boat. Of course, I pull out the camera. Yes please! Something to write about! I do find myself thinking, when I have an especially trying day, would Happy Juice bring the happy back? I am not one for trying a new beverage because I like my go-tos but I may take the plunge and try that one day. 

Here is Cal with the Happy Juice, I almost had to take the picture twice because he was smiling holding the bottle. Even here, you can see that he finds it as amusing as I do. Yes, we have a sick sense of humor. That is why I love my Cal! :)

What a great name for a frosty cold one huh? (Oh! Imagine what it would look like were it truly frosty and had some of that crystal ice forming on the outside of the bottle? I would hope to get the one that forms mean eyebrows on the smiley face making more fanatical. Hehehe)

What do YOU think?

Day 28: When the night comes, I tremble with fear.

It is pretty obvious at this point I am going through some things. Most of them are in the deep caverns located only in my mind and others are out in the real world. Unfortunately I cannot blatantly say what either are. No, I am not considering suicide and no, me and Cal are very, very happy. I just go down a dark path every now and again. Sometimes I come back to the light a little quicker than others. This time it has been a hard and rocky road…if even it was a road, path, avenue, whatever.

Lately, I have discovered that when it gets dark or when it gets late, I become afraid. Not so much of the dark. I am afraid of sleep. Lets back up for a moment, shall we? As a child, I was always afraid of the dark. There were monsters in the dark. Even after my Uncle forced me to watch Nightmare on Elm Street II, I would not sleep with some appendage hanging off the bed or with the closet doors open lest something grab me and drag me away. As I entered into my teenage years, the whole “stay totally on the bed” thing remained but the things in the dark that scared me changed. I was afraid of some stranger waking me from my sleep. If I kept my eyes open in the dark, I would imagine horrible things coming into view and murdering me or dragging me off…half alive. Noises didn’t help. Shadows didn’t either.

Cal used to laugh at me and Number Twenty Two years ago. Both of us had the same habit. If we had to shut the light off and walk across a room in the dark, we would flip the switch and race across the room like something was after us. Thinking about it while not experiencing it seems crazy, I know but its not. I don’t know about our son but for me, it was a very real fear and it did not feel good. Your blood becomes hot as your heart races and forces it through your veins the very second the sound of the “flip” from the light switch would reach your ears. Fight or flight ensues and you take off running, trying to race darkness out of the room. Obviously one never wins that race because you are running through the room which darkness has already enveloped. Loser. Once you get to where you are going; be it the other door, the bed, the couch, whatever, the fear leaves you. Only, it is not so easily spat out. It gradually leaves. While it only takes a few seconds to return to normal, your inner self notes that it seems a great deal longer than that. Even after spending four decades on this planet and am fully aware of what can and cannot be in the room as well as knowing what will go bump, it still does not help. There are certain rooms that I will still flip the switch and run. Dark and I are simply not friends. We never have been. Looks like never will be. (Hrmm, maybe I will be forced to roam this earth forever, hiding not in the shadows but in the light. I wonder if this makes me one of the “angels” that play with babies when they are first born? Ah, I digress. That, dear readers, is a story for another day.)

Back to the dark.

I am not sure words would suffice to describe how I feel when the sun sets. Its primordial fear. Pure and absolute. I want to run screaming into the night and never return but where would I go and what would I do when I outran that fear? That is scary all by itself. I feel the blood rush through every single vein in my body. Almost like I am becoming self aware or something. My heart begins to race and then sets itself to cruise control until I am able to make myself go into a fitful sleep. Sometimes, I have a beer or two to help me become drowsy. Sometimes I take a migraine pill. (Yea, I have a script for these people, I am NOT a pill junkie.) Anything I can do to force myself to sleep. It is not that I am NOT sleepy, I am just afraid of what dreams will bring or what the last thought which enters into my head will be. I have been having very vivid dreams as of late. Most of them relate to my novel. That is ok, The really good ones stick with me and I get them on paper before they vanish from my memory but the other things are what haunt the voices in my head. Horrible, vivid premonitions. Evil laughter and murderous visions.

It is simply not fair. Sometimes I think, the fear of the dark is a cakewalk compared to this. Not only does it make me afraid of myself and whatever is creating this discomfort for me, it makes me sad. I find it hard to describe to my family what is going on and when I just refer to it as “whatever is going on in my brain” they just go “Oh, that.” Its alright. They are not being callous or cold. They are just tired of seeing me torture myself like this and want it to be better. Only, nobody knows how.

I am not one to go to the doctor for such things and I am certain they will just give me some sort of medication to “make it all better” but I don’t want to be medicated. I just want it to go away. Its like smoking. Just. Flippin. Quit. I know its hard. For me, even eleven years later, I still chew the hell out of a pen when we go on road trips. But I have not had a cigarette, have I? Nope. Any crutch or debilitating “feeling” is going to leave its mark on you. That is just life. You just try to live with it.

At work, when it gets busy, we all talk about “Once more….into the breach! AAAAHHHHGGGGGHHHH!!!!”  This is exactly how I feel with ever sunset. I don’t see it getting any better any time soon. Now that I have put this out there, I think I should take it like that. Face my fear. Fight it. Run into the breach, rifle above your head, screaming….into the night.

Out run the darkness. Face your fear. Grab it and make it yours.

That is the ONLY WAY!

What do YOU think?

Day 27: OMG! Get off my foot!

A few years ago, my sister and I were riding down the road during the busy summer season and we were stuck in traffic. Living at a resort area, you see a lot of strange things and people doing stupid stuff when the heat has melted your brain and all you can do is be outside and melt.

On this particularly scorching day, while stuck in traffic, we noted a large group of people in a parking lot of a nearby hotel. People were hanging out, drinking, talking, and just all around chilling. One car pulled into the parking lot/driveway of the motel. It had a moon roof, which was open, and some guy got out of the car. He was really tall and could easily look into the moon roof of the car like a child looking into grandmas mixing bowl during cookie making time. He got out of the car and had to of been about 6'15" (Exaggeration but you get the point.) He also had the worlds largest feet. Well, not Guinness book of world records large but they were pretty damn big.

This guy is saying hello to his friends and acknowledging every one then something happens. It was almost like in slow motion. Later on, my sister said, "You know, it was like that scene was played out just for us. **wipes away laughter tears because, even to this day, we laugh hysterically at what happened.**" Nothing could have prepared random guy or us for what happened. It was only moments but it seemed like minutes as it appeared to happen in slow motion. Mr. Tall Guy turns around. He reached into the moon roof of the car and lifted out a six pack of some frosty beverage. As soon as it was approximately Eight (8) inches above the car, the driver begins to roll the car slowly forward.

Did I tell you the guy had big feet? Correction, did I tell you he had HUGE feet? Yea. He did. No, I mean he really did! Of course, in the next few minutes, one of is feet was about to be a little longer...

The back wheel of the car rolled on top of Mr. Tall Guys foot. He felt it. He felt it in a BIG way. There were still about 4 people in the car. As soon as the car rolled onto his foot. He just wrapped himself around the car in a loving hug. He gently set the six pack down atop the car, and hugged the car. A great big tall person hug. He tapped the top of the car with his hand which was previously holding the six pack and he laid his head lovingly on the top of the car. Instantly, the inside of the car begins to flutter as everyone inside is trying to get the driver to put the car into reverse and roll back just a bit. I am not sure how long it took but the car rolled back and the guy let go of his loving embrace. Suprisingly, he was not mad and  he grabbed his beverages and walked away. The car went in the opposite direction.

From our vantage point, we sat there for a moment, jaws agape and then burst out into hysterical laughter. I don't recall noticing if anyone else around seen what happened. The ebb and flow of the busy area seemed to continue without seeing the plight of Mr. Tall Guy and his foot. I remember thinking....white car....white shoes.....not so white shoes now. Ouch. Thinking about it now, yea, that incident happened just for us to be silly girls and have something to randomly giggle at for no good reason.

I must say that laughing at someone else's pain is not a behavior that is condoned nor would I endorse doing such. However, people have wonderful reactions to things sometimes. We all know I am as graceful as they come, tripping over air, falling off the sidewalk when there is nothing to fall off of or into, bouncing my face off the window sil while jumping on the bed. (Ghosts! That's it! They be trippin!) While I may hurt when I trip over some random patch of nothingness (It was just thick there for a second!) I will appreciate that you laughed at me. Know why? Because it was probably funny as heck!  I looked like a tard, didn't I? Ayup.

We all have to take these little gifts from the invsibles and laugh. That is what life is all about. The happies.

What do YOU think?

Day 26: I just love balls! (Another WP post.)

I don’t know what YOU were thinking when you seen the title to this. Get your mind out of the gutter, dirty reader! (Or take a shower if you really ARE dirty!) This has nothing to do with what you think it does. Nor is this some cutesy doggie post where the dog is bouncing around the room playing with his toys in rapturous abandon. No, no. Something different entirely.
I am not one to take random pictures of people and post them on the interwebs, however, this one was something I could not resist. No, I am by no means putting this person in a bad light nor is it some funny thing where someone is wearing jeans that are obviously not theirs. Its not some crazy thing where they are twisted up on a contortionist ball either. Its just a dude….holding some balls. (Wow that sounds….wrong too. Ah, but no, I DIDN’T digress. Not yet.)
While at one of the kiddos basketball games last night, I happened to look across the gym and see some random guy standing by the game room. The only reason I noticed him is because only certain people stand in that area during the basketball games and he certainly had not been one to be in that area in the past. At first, he was just kinda hanging out…talking to the youth sports management staff and other people in the vicinity. Then he had a basket ball in his hand. No big deal. He was right next to the ball rack anyway. A few minutes later, I looked up and he was holding two basketballs. Hrmmm. Back to the game. Cheer….yell…cheer….yay! score!….yell.  Look at the “ball guy.” Um…He is hugging FOUR basketballs! I lean over to my Cal and tell him. “Look at that guy! He’s so happy. It’s like he is saying ‘I just love balls!'”  Now this is a win for me because my skewed view of the world and the acknowledgement of such made my Cal laugh at me. YAY! I WIN! (As the Number 7 in our life would say. Ah, but I digress. All you need to know is YESSSS!!!! I WIN!)  I did not have my phone because the real Number 7 was playing a game on it and I asked Cal to take a pic so I could write about it. He didn’t feed into that insanity. The great thing was, at that very moment, the Number 7 lost a life in his game and I told him “Lemme see that for a second..**Micaa snatches the phone leaving the game player looking at her like WTHeckles!?**   CLICK! Yes, I got my picture and here it is in all the glory of someone who loves balls as much as the ball guy. Feel the love peeps. Feel the love!

I just love balls!