#goalswillbereached The Monster Within

Coming from the depths of self hate spawned by a stranger.  The light at the end of the tunnel comes ever closer. Years have passed and you have never felt safe in this vessel. Sadly it takes the sharp tongue of interlopers to spin you into action. To outsiders it appears to be self harm..no..self torture. Since they only spare a passing glance, you are left spiraling on your own. Alone...in the dark. You search for the key. You fumble in the murky blackness searching for the door that does not want to be found. All the while inward detest changes you.

Inward it becomes a vicious, blood thirsty monster. Outward it is a silent killer. What do you do?

You walk one more mile. Ride that bike ten more minutes. Push up ten more times. That fat blitch is not going to get the best of you. Not anymorem you can laugh at her now. Besides...who is the fat blitch now?

**Thoughts from that fat girl you laughed at jogging up the street...the chubby girl you recorded at the gym...keep on eating your doughnuts camera holder. To that she says....fluck you honey. I still got mine. What do you have? Nothing but empty dreams.**

#goalswillbereached

What do YOU think?

Observations about the blues

I have inexplicably been feeling mighty down over the past couple of months. It is the most painful emotion one can experience other than grief over the loss of a loved one. I have been lucid enough to notice some things and I want to share my observations with you.


Everyone has times where they feel blue for whatever reason. Most of the time, when you are sad, there is a reason behind it and there is a solution forthcoming. When you are truly depressed, there seems to be no rhyme or reason for it and you feel like a sloth. Not that you are lazy but it takes great effort and energy just to do ANYTHING other than breathe. If you are lucky enough to talk yourself into doing something, washing the dishes for example, it is an extremely long conversation with yourself that you almost do not win. Reluctantly, you get up to do the task. This can be something that you do every day or something that you have to do (like the dishes) or something that you enjoy doing as part of your routine (I love doing the family laundry.)


Even if you are lucky enough to get started, your follow through has deserted you and you probably wont finish the job. Like I said before, I love to do laundry and usually get it done in one day, amidst the other million things I do around the house. Because I have a big family, it does take about 5-6 loads to do everything and that is when I don't decide to wash the curtains and the beds too. Since I have been depressed, that same 5-6 loads becomes a never ending cycle of load after load after load. I find that I believe myself to have accomplished something when there is a mountain of clothes waiting to be folded (my favorite part) and I just look at it and become overwhelmed and give myself some excuse to walk away. Its. Just. Too. Hard.


So you are inexplicably sad, your follow through is shot all to hell and now the things that you loved to do before are just like....why?  Reading? Out of the question. Writing? You see how much I have done lately. Smiling? THAT hurts too much. Even if it is fake.


No wonder depressed people are so hard to console. Life just sucks and for no reason at all. I mean, my family is fine, job is going great, the bills are paid. My husband is happy. No fighting or arguing. But it hurts to just exist. Ugh.


I do believe, however, I am on the upside of this thing. I have never felt this way for this long before and I am not sure how to approach things. I actually got through 85% of the laundry yesterday before I decided I had done enough. Maybe things are getting better? In the mean time, I sat in my chair and actually cried for no reason. I was getting ready for work and started to bawl like a baby for about 3 minutes. Horrible. Horrible. Horrible. No reason, just seemed like the thing to do at the time.


What kinds of things have you noticed when you or someone you know has the blues.


What do YOU think?

Will God ever forgive us for what we've done to each other? ~Archer, Blood Diamond

I love that movie. I also happen to love quotes that move me so. This movie, Blood Diamond, has one such group of words that really make me think. While I am not much to talk about religion here, it is not that we are speaking of religion when Archer, the character played by Leonardo DiCaprio, utters the following:
"I wonder will God ever forgive us for what we've done to each other? But then I look around and think; God has left this place a long time ago."
Come on now, does that not make you think just a little bit? For all of the evil in this world, for some people who are in the thick of that, there is always that question, eh? Yes, I know, for the philosophers that I have become acquainted with, there is the whole Good vs. Evil argument and I get that. However, what about reality and not this religious or philosophical plane that many people love to contemplate.
Look at some of these things:
1. child soldiers
2. war
3. communistic and socialist societies
4. hate (be it racial, gender, or just out of plain old fear)
5. distrust
6. need I say more????
It always makes me sad when I see that movie and it makes me think too much. For those of you needing some great bathroom reading material, you should pick up something about purchasing conflict free diamonds versus any other diamond you can walk into the store and purchase. It will open your eyes to something that we, as Americans, are totally against but are feeding into it blindly.
I don't expect you to make every purchase based upon the fact that there was no harm done to anything. We as a species are consumers and there will always be something that is harmed by our consumption. Paper and wood are harming the rainforests. Slaughterhouses supply our need for meat. Farms wipe out treed areas in our own country to supply the fruits and vegetables we need to eat. Diamonds, while very lucrative, enable the slave trade, training of child soldiers, and pitting of people against their own kind simply as a means of survival or to satisfy their own greed.
This does not take into account various other evils that I see mentioned on countless facebook pages every day. Yea, helping one man may not seem to make a difference but its affects are far reaching and nobody ever see's that. However, in our cushy America, we say it every day. "Smile, its contagious!" Not so contagious when you are tramping the jungle just to survive or live another day (so called) free.
Just sit and think about the things you take for granted everyday that people all over the world are fighting for at this very moment. It is not something easy to think about no is it something that would normally consider in our day to day goings.
Tell me, what do you think?

Haters be hatin....for what?

Everyone has their own talents and life. Why should someone be so jealous of you that they have to gawk and stare at you everytime you are in the same vicinity?  If you are so miserable in your own life, then, why not change it?  Is that not the entire reason for change? To make things better?  That is what I was thinking.  Things are not meant to come to someone easy.  If you see a person that is in the place in THEIR life where YOU want to be, then, why not make a change and get there yourself?  Apparently, they have worked hard to get where they are and it is not up to karma to hand that to you with a silver platter. Life does not work that way, folks.

With that being said, I must confess, that I do not practice that mantra because I see people all the time that are in a place in life that I would rather be than where I am at. Don't get me wrong, it has nothing to do with my marriage or house or anything like that. It is little things that I am "hatin" on. Skinny blitches make me mad. However, I do not want to put that much work into getting there because where I am took many lazy days and chocolate days and years of not eating right. Why should I put all THAT hard work to waste just to go back to like I was when I was 17? (Joke folks, Bazinga!) I also want to be making a whole lot more money than I am making now. The way to get there? Work for it! Scratch and claw your way to get there or it is not going to happen. Ayup, I have people I am insanely jealous of because they make easy money. However, they did not get there just by happenstance.  They worked to get there. Do the work girl! Do the work.

Now, I also see kids that are about 12 or 13 that seem to think that the world owes them because they have had parents that divorced and they have learned the "poor me" routine and it has become so ingrained in their personality that they truly believe that everyone they come in contact with is going to dump money and opportunity in their lap. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! Well, if it does, it will be short lived because people will see through that ruse and walk away from that.

Many folks love to have drama in their lives and will be miserable no matter what. Others will work hard at the wrong things and get nowhere and others will make really big mistakes in their lives and end up paying for them for the rest of their lives. There is no way around that. So, you take that learning experience and use that as a hint to take a different path because some ungodly sized tree has fallen in your way and you must move on.

While at times, it may not be the way you want to go, work with what you have and do everything you can to make the best or better of it.

Wow, I certainly wish I could take my own advice and run with it. But who wants to run on the treadmill three hours a day and work out all day long to get to the skinny blitch part (while I am not working I should do that.) Yup, I am going to be mediocre until something in me snaps and wakes up.

Ya, haters be hatin, but so am I....it is just easier that way. That is why!