To breathe or not to breathe, that is the question.

I dont get it. How in the world to people of the large persuasion do it!  I am (on paper) considerably overweight.  While I do not look very large, I am a little thick.  I just don't understand how people who are like DAYUM! (Yea, according to the comedian Fluffy, big like that.) breathe, move, and even just stay healthy.

Here I am in a situation where I feel just as crappy as I did when I was smoking only five (yes 1/4 of a pack for you mathematicians) cigarettes a day.  When I breathe, it seems that my nose will randomly shut off for a moment and I have to sputter or skip a breath just to get back right.  I can hear myself breathe and it is embarassing to know that I can take a 99 cent muffin mix, mix it up, bake it in the bowl I mix it in and eat the ENTIRE THING!  That cannot be healthy.

I also have found that it is easier to plan to do something then to get up off my lazy rumpus and do it. BAD BAD Cheley.  Lets not get into that habit.  When I finally do get up to do something, I feel good about it and think to myself, well, I should do this more often because it makes me feel better.

However, I believe that the one thing that I need to do is to actually FORCE myself to eat right.  If I can do that, then that is the step in the right direction.  I do note that there are so many factors that make me just want to eat whatever makes me feel good at the moment.  There are drawbacks here to cuz, it may feel good when I eat it but boy do I sure feel like crapola when I am done. The guilt, the should haves, the regret. Ugh.

Don't get me wrong, I am not looking to get the fabulous body I had at 18 that I hated anyway.  I just want to get rid of about 60 pounds ideally.  Then I would be about a buck thirty and I would probably feel a whole lot better! Even if I could get 20 I think I would feel better.  I am so tired of waking in the middle of the night to turn over or to "wake up" an appendage that fell asleep.  Nobody is supposed to have tingly limbs all the damn time!  That happens when you are chillen on the couch while your leg is curled under you. NOT because you happen to be sitting there minding your own damn business.  Lets get real.  Being of the larger persuasion is no fun!

I am not knocking those that choose to live this way or have found themselves the victim of a doctor with a sense of humor. (You know those medications with steroids in them that blow you up like a ballon.)  No, if you so chose to be large and in charge, then that is your business and I am not forcing my opinion on you. I am talking about myself. I want to be comfortable in my own skin.  I was almost there about nine or ten years ago when number nine was a baby.

Not anymore and I want out of this place!  Yea, my soul has a lot more room to bounce around in this body because of the size pants I wear but I am miserable! 

I wrote this because I took a walk today and have decided that because my hours have been slated back due to the slow season, I may try to go back to walking to see if it will help me lose at least the first 20 that I am so desperately trying to shed.  I will be able to run with my boys more, and do more in general.

What do you think? Are you with me? Any suggestions?