Day 5: Giggles make me happy

I guess the rain still has me feeling blue. I simply was unable to get motivated to get up and get my day going this morning. After finally convincing myself that I must do what I have to do, I was going through my morning routine. Because it is quite early and the kiddos are still on winter break, the house is unusually quiet and all I hear is the jingle of the dogs bell when she walked into the kitchen to check the water bowl. (I don't know WHY she does this but she will get up, walk into the kitchen, sniff the water bowl, and walk away. Sometimes she will drink but it is like she is making sure it is there. Has it gotten up and walked away or something? Ah, but I digress. You know me.) While I was brushing my hair, I heard a small giggle. O.o.  Nobody is up at this time when they don't HAVE to be! I shrugged it off and continued what I was doing. "hehehehehehe!"

Yes, I am sure of it. That giggle made my heart dance and smile. This is something only a mother can know. Those little giggles only last about ten years or so before they morph into teenagers. I know that giggle anywhere. It was the laughter of our youngest. Number 7. Apparently, he got enough sleep last night to be back on track and get up at a normal time instead of 1 p.m. every day. He had awakened and was watching TV in his room. Uncle Grandpa or something. As I walked down the hallway, I could only smile. I must say, hearing that happy guy made my day. It was only 5 a.m.!

I never miss an opportunity to tell the children (and the husband too) how much I love their happiness, grins, and giggles. When I told him he made my day by just being himself, he lit up like a Christmas tree. Its funny how our children try so hard to make us happy as parents and their innocent kindness is the sweetest ever.

I hope to never lose that in my children. I am proud of them all. I just sometimes forget that they are little ones in this big world and do not yet understand things as an adult would.

Love your little ones. Embrace their effort and pure joy. Get to know them and take time with each and every one. Let them know you are happy with them and accept them for who they are. They will grow and blossom into loving human beings as a result. THEN and only then will there be hope for humanity. (And the ants wont move forward with their plot. Hehehe)

What do YOU think?

Observations about the blues

I have inexplicably been feeling mighty down over the past couple of months. It is the most painful emotion one can experience other than grief over the loss of a loved one. I have been lucid enough to notice some things and I want to share my observations with you.


Everyone has times where they feel blue for whatever reason. Most of the time, when you are sad, there is a reason behind it and there is a solution forthcoming. When you are truly depressed, there seems to be no rhyme or reason for it and you feel like a sloth. Not that you are lazy but it takes great effort and energy just to do ANYTHING other than breathe. If you are lucky enough to talk yourself into doing something, washing the dishes for example, it is an extremely long conversation with yourself that you almost do not win. Reluctantly, you get up to do the task. This can be something that you do every day or something that you have to do (like the dishes) or something that you enjoy doing as part of your routine (I love doing the family laundry.)


Even if you are lucky enough to get started, your follow through has deserted you and you probably wont finish the job. Like I said before, I love to do laundry and usually get it done in one day, amidst the other million things I do around the house. Because I have a big family, it does take about 5-6 loads to do everything and that is when I don't decide to wash the curtains and the beds too. Since I have been depressed, that same 5-6 loads becomes a never ending cycle of load after load after load. I find that I believe myself to have accomplished something when there is a mountain of clothes waiting to be folded (my favorite part) and I just look at it and become overwhelmed and give myself some excuse to walk away. Its. Just. Too. Hard.


So you are inexplicably sad, your follow through is shot all to hell and now the things that you loved to do before are just like....why?  Reading? Out of the question. Writing? You see how much I have done lately. Smiling? THAT hurts too much. Even if it is fake.


No wonder depressed people are so hard to console. Life just sucks and for no reason at all. I mean, my family is fine, job is going great, the bills are paid. My husband is happy. No fighting or arguing. But it hurts to just exist. Ugh.


I do believe, however, I am on the upside of this thing. I have never felt this way for this long before and I am not sure how to approach things. I actually got through 85% of the laundry yesterday before I decided I had done enough. Maybe things are getting better? In the mean time, I sat in my chair and actually cried for no reason. I was getting ready for work and started to bawl like a baby for about 3 minutes. Horrible. Horrible. Horrible. No reason, just seemed like the thing to do at the time.


What kinds of things have you noticed when you or someone you know has the blues.


What do YOU think?

Proud moments as a mother.

Not long after we moved to the beach, I had set a cheese board to smoulder on the stove.  Calvin was at work and I was sitting with the oldest son and youngest daughter assisting them with their homework at the dining room table.  It was dinner time. You know mw, Ms. Multi tasker (even at seven months preggo, I was pretty good at it.)  Well, the dining room table was off from the kitchen, sort of in the living room.  It also happened to be about five feet from the back door.
While cooking, I happened to turn the wrong burner on to boil a some water.  Ikept a small, wooden, cheeseboard on the back burner and THAT was the burner I turned on instead.  While we were not in the kitchen, it had a chance to fill our small kitchen up with a great deal of smoke. Then the AC kicked in and smoke just ROLLED out of the kitchen.  Everything else seemed to happen at the same time.  At the instant we noticed the smoke, the smoke detectors went off.  I immediately knew what I had done as I do that chit all the time. So I got up an took two steps toward the kitchen.  My mind was racing and focused on getting that cheeseboard off there and into the sink before it burst into flames. At the same time, I also thought of the kids. I turned around, and CJ was still sitting at the table...totally not knowing what was going on. I am certain he knew exactly what I did.  There was not a fire....YET.  I turn to look for Alyssa and all I see is the back door swinging.
I lean just a little bit to my left and see a tiny face of a five year old, about twenty feet outside the back door trying to get a glimpse of what was going to happen next.  I will take the time to tell you I could not have been more proud of our baby girl in that moment. I immediately took care of the cheeseboard, no fire, just a lot of smoke. Whew!  Then retrieved our daughter and covered her face in smooches and filled her ears with praise.
She had done the right thing.  In hindsight, it was cute and funny because she got the Hell out of Dodge Jack!

Now, lets move forward ten years:

My dear readers know that I am a WAH professional and I work from home.  The other night, I was working and a thunderstorm came through.  Just after I shut down my computer and systems, there was a terribly bright lightening strike as well as horrible thunder.  I heard my kids in the next room scrounging around.

When I finally got everything settled, I walk into the hallway to a pitch black house. What happened next would have been a good scream scene for a horror movie (provided that I screamed, of course.)
The darkness began to speak to me in children's voices. O.o....I held up my phone as I was not near a light switch and seen that my children were all sitting on the couch, in the living room, in the dark.  Well, well, well.  I found out later that Alyssa corralled the children to the couch and turned all the lights off to be safe during the storm.  Another proud moment, I must say.  However, when the ten year old got up to use the bathroom, (I had joined them in the darkness, of course, it was quiet and I was NOT going to pass that up) he turned the light on so he could see.  Here comes Alyssa "All that electricity!!!!"  Hahaha.  Yes, she was being overly cautious, but she was being safe all in the same breath.  Yes, Momma is proud!  Daddy taught her that and she absorbed the safety knowledge well.

I am confident, as a parent that she will be safe and have an emergency plan when it comes to nature bringing forth her rage.  I can only hope that it will spill over into her interactions with people when she goes off to college or begins to have a more colorful, (yikes, and even less structured) social life and as an adult.  We parents spend our entire lives teaching our children to be safe and to be their own person and can only hope that the values we establish for them to mirror are the good ones and that they apply them to their own lives and go on to be productive adults who get to live long, healthy, and happy lives.

This is the direction I believe our daughter is heading in and I could not be more proud.  What proud moments have you had (like these) with your children?

Have you ever had a moment that was potentially catastrophic and hilarious all in the same moment?

Yea, I cheat and vaccuum the linoleum.

My house is lived in. No, I don't mean lived in like there is stuff everywhere or anything like that. You can just tell we spend a lot of time at home and get our money's worth out of this mortgage. (Yess!!!!) Well, this means I can do cleaning projects at my perogative because I no longer have to worry about the landlord coming for a suprise inspection or there is some appointment for the fix it guy cus WE are the fix it guys. (Unless of course I flood the house, then THAT is something on a wholly different plane!) Yea, I'll clean it.

You all have seen my random 'Im so proud I got my spring cleaning done in the dead of winter' posts. I shampoo carpets on a regular basis, I pull my own teeth (not literally) and scrub the bathroom baseboards every now and again. I clean the blinds and the ceiling fans on a regular. Yes, I get 'er done. However, in the routine of things...I must admit...I cheat.

Every time I vaccuum, I notice things that need my attention. I need to dust the tredmill (when I don't use it much) or the teenage room needs a good sweep and mop. WAIT! I will vaccuum it and it won't look so bad! Woot! When I close the windows after a nice day of airing out the stale air from the house, I have (on occasion) wiped the dust from the sill with my fingers and wiped a lovely hand print across my jeans. These are my cleaning jeans so, it doesn't matter. Finally, while I like to dust the old fashioned way, I can attest to the truthfulness of a swiffer duster. I, too, have experienced the elation of finishing a dusting job a whole hella lot earlier than I expected and not knowing what to do with myself afterward. Heck, I took a nap, you KNOW that!

Yea, so sometimes I vaccuum the linoleum. The whole purpose of a vaccuum is to suck up loose dirt that is lighter than anything I can imagine and transport it to a recepticle that has the intent of being dumped into a larger wastebasket. Eventually this larger one goes to a dump somewhere and biodegrades only to end up as dirt in someone elses home years and years from now. (You guessed it! There is the digression!)

Dear readers, so long as you maintain your home and it is relatively clean. It does not have to be immaculate like my sisters homes have a tendency to be. (Some of us work very hard and have a half a football team to raise and not just one child to raise or are blissfully unemployed.) DISCLAIMER: Any relation to persons real or fake in regards to the last statement is purely unintentional and not meant to point the finger at anyone nor is sarcasm intended. END OF DISCLAIMER. But cleanliness is in the eye of the beholder and I can assure you, if it means anything to you, you are more discriminatory at your own cleaning skills than others are. Just keep the place picked up.

Daddy truly knew.

I just finished a book (for my own enjoyment not for an assignment) that I had started to read a very long time ago. My favortie part about reading a book is the feeling you get when you read that last sentence on that last page. It is a gratifying feeling that only readers know. This time, I had quiet to enjoy that feeling and noted it gave me chills. I love it. I love to read. It is a pleasure that causes no disease, cancer, and can take you away from any hell you are in and temporarily place you somewhere else. Further, upon returning from that else, your mind is, if only for a brief moment, clearer and refreshed.
Dad knew what that was like. In his final years, I often wondered why he would go through a stack of books in the blink of an eye. The man read so much that he was on what I called the library honor circuit. You see, there were about four libraries within driving distance of where he and my mother live. Every now and then I would ask him what he was reading and it was always something new. Just about every other time I inquired, he would inform me that he was on the honor books of the next library because the one he had been going to, had nothing more to offer for the moment. He had read every single damn honor book they had. I know for a fact that some of those honor shelves would take up more of two stacks! The closer to the end of his life story he got, the faster he went through those books. 

Now I understand why.

He could hardly breathe and the oxygen was not helping. The threat of the VA to take it away to convince him he did not need it did not help matters any. When dad came for his final visit to our new home, he predicted his own fate....almost to the day. But still he read. He read until he could not do it anymore. Chasing that feeling of accomplishment and of enlightenment only true readers know. Next to his deathbed he had a plastic grocery bag filled with his last round of honor books from the library. One of them "The Old Silent" had his mark in it and his glasses on top. I still have that bag of books. I still have the glasses, "The Old Silent," and that mark is still there.

While I find it hard to read something other than a textbook and my favorite author, Stephen King, I now intend to finish that book for him. I started it right after his passing and I find it quite interesting, but life got in the way. Now that I have finished my book, I will pick this one up. With dad reading over my shoulder.

Why do I say he will be reading over my shoulder? Stephen King calls his die hard fans "constant reader." That is my Dad. He needs to finish that book. Those glasses have since broken, however, I still have mine. It will be through my eyes that "The Old Silent" will provide that enlightenment not only for me but for Daddy who stands constant watch over me, my family, and, yes my Mother.
I love you Daddy. Even the things that come to light from your wisdom now make me proud to be the glimmer that was in your eyes for so long. Yes, he knows. I know too.

Haters be hatin....for what?

Everyone has their own talents and life. Why should someone be so jealous of you that they have to gawk and stare at you everytime you are in the same vicinity?  If you are so miserable in your own life, then, why not change it?  Is that not the entire reason for change? To make things better?  That is what I was thinking.  Things are not meant to come to someone easy.  If you see a person that is in the place in THEIR life where YOU want to be, then, why not make a change and get there yourself?  Apparently, they have worked hard to get where they are and it is not up to karma to hand that to you with a silver platter. Life does not work that way, folks.

With that being said, I must confess, that I do not practice that mantra because I see people all the time that are in a place in life that I would rather be than where I am at. Don't get me wrong, it has nothing to do with my marriage or house or anything like that. It is little things that I am "hatin" on. Skinny blitches make me mad. However, I do not want to put that much work into getting there because where I am took many lazy days and chocolate days and years of not eating right. Why should I put all THAT hard work to waste just to go back to like I was when I was 17? (Joke folks, Bazinga!) I also want to be making a whole lot more money than I am making now. The way to get there? Work for it! Scratch and claw your way to get there or it is not going to happen. Ayup, I have people I am insanely jealous of because they make easy money. However, they did not get there just by happenstance.  They worked to get there. Do the work girl! Do the work.

Now, I also see kids that are about 12 or 13 that seem to think that the world owes them because they have had parents that divorced and they have learned the "poor me" routine and it has become so ingrained in their personality that they truly believe that everyone they come in contact with is going to dump money and opportunity in their lap. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! Well, if it does, it will be short lived because people will see through that ruse and walk away from that.

Many folks love to have drama in their lives and will be miserable no matter what. Others will work hard at the wrong things and get nowhere and others will make really big mistakes in their lives and end up paying for them for the rest of their lives. There is no way around that. So, you take that learning experience and use that as a hint to take a different path because some ungodly sized tree has fallen in your way and you must move on.

While at times, it may not be the way you want to go, work with what you have and do everything you can to make the best or better of it.

Wow, I certainly wish I could take my own advice and run with it. But who wants to run on the treadmill three hours a day and work out all day long to get to the skinny blitch part (while I am not working I should do that.) Yup, I am going to be mediocre until something in me snaps and wakes up.

Ya, haters be hatin, but so am I....it is just easier that way. That is why!

The Pebbles Ripples.

My philosophy friends believe that good cannot exist without evil and vice versa. There is this whole philosophical argument around it. The argument is almost as popular as the "is there really a God" argument. Well, I happen to think that while evil is necessary, the world can do with a little less of it.
Especially true when the evil is fruitless and with no just cause. It is like an invalid argument. C does not result from A or B if they are not doing something that makes C true, therefore, why should C exist at all when D can do the job just as well...or some such nonsense.
I bear witness to this absent C evil a lot. All I can do is shake my head at it because it makes good people look bad and it drags innocent people into a situation that they have no business even knowing anything about in the first place. What snake will go to an orange tree and pluck an orange just to eat when snakes are predators in the first place? That makes no sense at all.
My point is that evil should not exist in abundance when there is not enough good to offset it. That makes no sense either. Remember the lady with the scales you see in a courtroom? It has to balance and without that balance, things begin to happen. Therefore, apparently, bad things are happening and maybe it is the second coming of Christ that everyone has been talking about or the end of the world.
So if all of this is blatantly evident, then why is there not anything done about it? I will explain. There is enough not caring and enough belief that one little act of kindness does not matter. The evil in all of us has beaten out any good there is left. Sure, we do kind deeds everyday but it is so far below the radar of being noticed that it is almost irrelevant that we even do such a thing.
Listen, folks, when someone tells you that one little pebble makes a big difference. If you dont believe me toss one into a still pond. That one little pebble has a ripple effect that eventually touches every square inch of that waters surface. Further, the "plop" sound reverberates through the air to our ears affecting the senses that we heard and seen the pebble hit the water. Underneath the surface, fish scatter and it hits the bottom eventually changing the landscape of the bottom to accomodate the fact that it fell there in the first place. To get even more depth out of the example, gravity is now pulling on that rock to keep it in place and every time a bottom feeder passes, a fish swims quickly nearby, or a plant grows near enough to push it aside, that pebble still has an impact. Also, the place where the pebble was before has left a pebble size space for something else to come along and occupy where it was.
Point being, while there are snakes in all of us, even the good that comes out of us, no matter how small or insignificant can have a positive impact in everything. If everyone were to cast a pebble in some form or fashion and good becomes of it, it grows from there because there is, essentially, more good in the world.
Those of us with children can do the same. So often we go through life too busy to see what is going on through the eyes of our children. STOP take a moment and revel in the wonder that they see the world in. Remember what it was like to stand in awe and truly experience the first sunset you REALLY noticed. I remember mine. I remember that, sometimes, being five is such a small place to be in such a big world and that mommy can make it better. I also try to remember that even though you are 13 or 14, you still need mom from time to time even if it is to talk about absolutely nothing or act silly in public just because. When my children get older (and for the step kids as well) I will try to remember that at 21, the world is not what it was made out to be and that I still need to be there for my kids no matter how awful they are. That, just to sit down, without a phone, television or other distraction and talk about how a lightbulb works will make the difference in their day and that is something that they will remember.
Toss that pebble, make life better, if even for a split second. The reverberations of that pebble last longer than you think. Holding the door for a perfect stranger to pass because they are using a walking stick makes a difference because, while you may not remember, they will.
I once had a lady sit in the booth next to mine in iHop. I was 16. I was miserable and thougth that life was truly the suckiest place to be. She chatted with me about absolutely nothing. The gloss on the menu, why people drive nice cars, and our coffee. She also told me to cast a pebble. She then proceeded to tell me that I will remember her. I may not remember her name and maybe not even what she looks like but I will remember the conversation. Guess what? I dont know her name, I remember brown hair and glasses and that she used her hands alot when she talked but I DID remember the conversation. She cast her pebble in my pond and the fish swim by every now and then and it moves. That is what I remember. Do you have pebbles in your pond? Why not cast some of your own?

An Amazing child

I wonder sometimes. Folks, lets get real. We are raising a generation of AMAZING children. If you do not know the proper definition of that, then you can inbox me or Julie F. We will be more than happy to enlighten. At any rate, children these days get away with so much more than we did and even our parents for that matter.
We spare the rod and spoil the child. No, I do not mean abuse them but if they smart off to you, then they need some consequences. I never thought to yell at my mother (as a child) or hit her or threaten to call the cops on her because she took my phone from me. As far as the phone goes, I had a 50 foot cord that went from the wall to the phone and that thing could follow me out to the sidewalk. However, should I decide to get in trouble or inadvertantly utter a curse word, my lovelt tail had no phone attached to it or she took the whole thing. There were no cell phones and my pc (which I got in the 6th grade) was this mideval dos thing that had one color.....green.
Further, people these days believe they can suck off their parents until they die and get all uppity and ticked off if you believe they have to earn their keep. Peeps, my mother was more than happy to see me go to work and buy my own things. I was more than happy to go. It was the start of me "being grown." I am not entitled to anything in her home and I am a guest there at that point. Sure, I was one of the lucky ones and I did not have to pay anything to the house if I didnt want to but if I wanted something she normally did not buy or wanted to go to a football game or something THAT came out of my pocket and I walked nearly everywhere I had to go. I also stayed in school and graduated and, for the most part, stayed out of trouble.
That is another thing. I see so many people (and the age range is getting younger and younger) getting in trouble these days and doing SERIOUS things! Assault with a deadly weapon, robbery while armed with a weapon...Nothing like the petty "underaged drinking or driving without a licence or trespassing" that we got growing up. No sir, these kids are doing serious crimes. Further, the justice system is doing quirky things to slap them on the wrist. (Topic for another day.)
Honestly, if I was over age 21 and my mother bailed me out of jail and paid my attorney fees and bills for nearly 2 years, don't you think she has the right to ask me to pay some of that back if she gets in a bind. Yes, every mother and father would love to pay for their children like that and not expect to get paid back.......in a vaccuum. However, things are tough and it is not as easy as your parents make it. They keep the fact that bills run about 3000 going out and there is only 2500 coming in EACH MONTH BEFORE GAS AND GROCERIES. (Hypothetical, 4 person family middle income.) At any rate, they make it work and this is where the communication fails. No, I am not saying that you should tell your children ALL your business but you should teach them to be self sufficient and that it is ok to ask mom and dad for help but make sure you return the nicety at some point in the future. They are just as human as you are.
Also, we were taught all about litterbugs and taking care of the planet (and table manners) growing up; do they not teach that anymore in modern homes and preschools? We take care of the planet by recycling and other things of a noble stature, however, I still see children who leave a trail behind them like the only preschool lesson their ever learned was hansel and gretel. Folks, that was breadcrumbs and not trash! Take pride in your own home, your own neighborhood and your planet. It is the only one we have!

Does Utilitarianism require that your units of happiness are fulfilled?

Utilitarianism in its most basic form is the greatest amount of happines for the greater good. Defined in units of happiness, basically: the more the merrier. It is based solely on actions and their outcomes. What happens if there is no happiness and no matter the act, no utility becomes of it. What then?

Does that mean that, we are utility empty? I will admit I did take a few philosophy classes and while the concepts still seem abstract, I did catch the basics (or so I thought I did.) Ok. Lets take an example:

One of the problems I remember in the discussion of utility was the subject of capital punishment. While taking the life of someone as punishment is a bit harsh, it does take from the total utility of the world, does it not? Well, you are reducing the units of happiness from the person in the electric chair because the KNOW they are going to die a horrible death. No utility in his corner at all. You are also taking from the utility of the family of the convicted. They are heartbroken by losing their son, brother, cousin, uncle, parent, whatever. While this convict may not be the best person in the world (innocence project aside, lets say he did it, end of story) he was still someone's family member, no matter what. Lost utility for many years to come. Everytime a family member or close friend thinks back upon this person, lost utility units right there. Further, the people who have to do this deed are supposed to be good people, after all, we do not hire convicts and killers and psychopaths to run prisons and be baliffs, guards, etc. They have GOT to lose some of their utility in participating in the act of the capital punishment. Bottome line, lots of lost utility. No doubt.

Conversely.......

The streets are rid of a (possibly) career criminal, the jails are not supporting this convict and the families this person has affected in a bad way (good vs evil argument here?) are happy that he is getting his just desserts. So, where do the scales balance? Well, we have to sacrifice the one for the greater good of the group. Therefore, the sacrifice of the one makes the utility of the whole group better....so the argument goes.

Now, lets think about a totally different scenario but the same basic concept. You have a group of people on an island. In order for the most people to survive and be comfortable, one of them has to be pushed into the pirahna infested waters that surround the island. Due to the ritual involved, it has to be done in such a way that the person pushed into the waters shall perish lest the pirhana god come and devour them all. (Island religion, go figure.) They use the concept of utility to choose the member to be "discarded." While all of them are equal otherwise, how is that you would choose one when all are equal contributing members to the society? Should it be the weakest? The oldest? The youngest? What would you do in this situation?

Were it your family, what choice would that be? Difficult? Yes. For me, I would not want that burden. However, a choice has to be made or everyone will be reduced to zero units of happiness due to the peril of the whole group. While I am very thankful that choices like that are not made in my little corner of the universe, there have been societies that have had to make life or death choices for survival and if you look at the very core of what those choices were, I am certain you can find utility played a part in them.

Off my soapbox now, what are your opinions on utility and what do you attribute to the greatest happiness for the greatest good?

(Sorry folks, random tags so I can generate some discussion here.)